Fear

Fear of any type is real, but it isn't something that God has instilled into us. I have three basic fears; demons, losing someone and loneliness. Lately I have been kind of focusing on those last two fears. The fear of losing someone is now becoming a very real thing. I think this fear has been instilled in me based on the times in the past that I have had to leave some of my best friends and not wanting that to happen again. God has placed in my life a group of friends that have been absolutely amazing and a huge life saver, I love them and am truly happy around them. Though this is all true, one of them is moving to a different state very soon, and another one wants to leave the state very soon. Many of them are seniors, they're graduating this year and then they're going to go out to some University. I just found these people, people that make me really happy and who make me feel loved, and they're all just going to leave on me? The thought of it all brings me to tears. My other group of "best" friends is also slowly withering.
The passed two days I have been really struggling with loneliness. I'm so used to being out with people and always having somewhere to run off to that when I'm faced with a week of almost no plans, I'm left feeling lonely. In these times it's when I really wish I had that best friend I've been praying for. I believe the reason that I am struggling so much is because I do know that I am going to have to let go of my old "best" friend and it breaks my heart. For such a long time I've been pretending that everything is alright, that things will work out, that this is where I was supposed to be; God finally had to slap me in the face with reality to finally get me to make some changes. These changes are hard, and it's hard for me to not be bitter.
"Even if we part, the only thing that matters to me is the memories we made were made in love." That's what I put as my Facebook status last night. I was hanging up some of my favorite pictures with some of my favorite memories on it and it just slapped me in the face; every single one of those memories were made in love. I'm never going to regret those friendships (though they hurt me) because they were real relationships that were there to help me learn and grow.
Never regret something or someone that made you truly happy.

Unknown

Isn't it funny how terrified we all are of the future? Even if it's a good thing? I find myself being afraid of a new best friend. I'm afraid of getting a best friend who treats me right, who doesn't lie, who is actually Christian, who has decent morals, who understands me; I'm afraid of getting a new, true best friend. Why am I afraid? I'm afraid  because I don't want to lose the "best" friends I have now. Even if they lie, take advantage of me, ditch me, and talk bad about me. I don't want to admit to myself that maybe those people aren't the best people to have in my life. I've invested in these friends so much that it hurts for me to think of someone replacing them, I don't want them to feel as if I ditched them; I definitely deserve someone better though. I deserve someone who I can confide my secrets into, someone that I don't have to worry about breaking my heart every other week, someone who loves me the same way that I love them. Someone who values our relationship the way that I do. So, I have found myself praying more and more frequently for a new best friend. I was talking to my friend a couple days back and she was telling me about her past best friends, I see her now with her current best friend and I never see her worrying about her old ones. She told me she prayed for this person and God gave her someone worth calling a best friend. Why in the world should I be afraid of the unknown when I know that whatever is going to be given to me in the future is through God? He will protect me and guide me and make me happy. One day all of this heart break will be worth it, all this heart break is going to be for some amazing and wonderful best friend who will never make me regret these choices I'm making for no one but myself. I'm tired of feeling alone and empty.

The Beginning

"The death of one means the life for another.

The hate of one means the love for another.

And when you're being broken someone else

Is being put back together.

But tonight, when the sun goes down so will my heart.

With those few simple words you tore me apart.

You left me behind, and without you I'm empty.

And now, that gun has never looked so tempting.

So I say it now, this is the end, so long and goodnight to you

…all my friends…"

(4/20/09)

I wrote this poem when I was in 7th grade. On April 20, 2010. 

Obviously, I was a little twisted. I didn't know what was wrong with me, I hated my life. I had a loving family, loving friends, people who cared about me; but I hated it, I hated it all. 

Yeah, I wanted to die. I remember standing in my shower one night, I was going to do it. In my head I saw myself plunging that knife into my stomach and just ending it all. Oh, they were going to miss me. They'll miss me when I'm gone. 

I just started crying. I didn't want that, I knew I didn't. So I ran out of the shower and called my best friend. 

On top of being suicidal, I was anorexic. I would only eat a nutrigrain bar then I would go into the bathroom at lunch and do 100 jumping jacks. I stayed like that for a long while, not really admitting it to myself or to others that I had a problem; I just wanted attention. 

They say that hind-sight is 20/20 right? Well I now know what was wrong with me. The Devil had me in his hands, there is not doubt about it, he placed those images in my head, he whispered those lies into my ear. The scary thing is I believed it all. 

Now, let's go back to that night in the shower. I'm proud of myself, I resisted the devil. Mostly because I was scared, but I still did it didn't I? I could have just gone downstairs and fulfilled his wishes by stabbing myself in front of my family and making them miss me. I didn't though, I called my best friend and hung on to the love she gave me.

After a while, things got better. I still saw really weird and gruesome things in my head and I'm just now starting to be open with those things. 

After I was saved it started to get really bad. I couldn't sleep or be alone without feeling really oppressed. I talked to my pastor and he taught me how to rebuke it. So, I did.

The moral of all this is that I was pretty messed up, and I understand if you are messed up too. I got away from it all though through Jesus. He saved me and brought me into the light. He was there with me when I would scream "God hates me!" and contemplate with suicide. He was there when I sinned every other second. He was there and will continue to be here when I'm in my darkest hours and I want  to give in to the Devil. Things are never as they seem, but God is true and he is mighty and he wants you.

This is my testimony.
If you want to read more of where I came from click on the following link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5068729/1/Poems