The Beginning

"The death of one means the life for another.

The hate of one means the love for another.

And when you're being broken someone else

Is being put back together.

But tonight, when the sun goes down so will my heart.

With those few simple words you tore me apart.

You left me behind, and without you I'm empty.

And now, that gun has never looked so tempting.

So I say it now, this is the end, so long and goodnight to you

…all my friends…"

(4/20/09)

I wrote this poem when I was in 7th grade. On April 20, 2010. 

Obviously, I was a little twisted. I didn't know what was wrong with me, I hated my life. I had a loving family, loving friends, people who cared about me; but I hated it, I hated it all. 

Yeah, I wanted to die. I remember standing in my shower one night, I was going to do it. In my head I saw myself plunging that knife into my stomach and just ending it all. Oh, they were going to miss me. They'll miss me when I'm gone. 

I just started crying. I didn't want that, I knew I didn't. So I ran out of the shower and called my best friend. 

On top of being suicidal, I was anorexic. I would only eat a nutrigrain bar then I would go into the bathroom at lunch and do 100 jumping jacks. I stayed like that for a long while, not really admitting it to myself or to others that I had a problem; I just wanted attention. 

They say that hind-sight is 20/20 right? Well I now know what was wrong with me. The Devil had me in his hands, there is not doubt about it, he placed those images in my head, he whispered those lies into my ear. The scary thing is I believed it all. 

Now, let's go back to that night in the shower. I'm proud of myself, I resisted the devil. Mostly because I was scared, but I still did it didn't I? I could have just gone downstairs and fulfilled his wishes by stabbing myself in front of my family and making them miss me. I didn't though, I called my best friend and hung on to the love she gave me.

After a while, things got better. I still saw really weird and gruesome things in my head and I'm just now starting to be open with those things. 

After I was saved it started to get really bad. I couldn't sleep or be alone without feeling really oppressed. I talked to my pastor and he taught me how to rebuke it. So, I did.

The moral of all this is that I was pretty messed up, and I understand if you are messed up too. I got away from it all though through Jesus. He saved me and brought me into the light. He was there with me when I would scream "God hates me!" and contemplate with suicide. He was there when I sinned every other second. He was there and will continue to be here when I'm in my darkest hours and I want  to give in to the Devil. Things are never as they seem, but God is true and he is mighty and he wants you.

This is my testimony.
If you want to read more of where I came from click on the following link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5068729/1/Poems