Isn't it weird?

Has anyone noticed how quick it takes for something to fall apart? Or how it long it takes to put that thing back together? Why is it that destruction is such a quick process compared to the restoration process? Im sure someone else has noticed this, unless every one lives under a rock (a very big rock). This is no new concept for me. I, like most people, go through life one battle at a time. And I, like most people, have been knocked off my feet more times than I can count. Isn't it weird to think that it's actually kind of a good thing to be constantly knocked down? Because that means that you are constantly getting back up, so you have something to get knocked off of. Although this doesn't lessen the blow of the ground, coming up fast to meet you. It does mean though that the pain has not yet been great enough to keep you down; and I like to look at this as a positive thing. No.matter what storm you go through, you are never too crippled that you can no longer walk.
"Fall down seven times, get up eight."

Never Once

Today didn't go very well. I couldn't find it in myself to pray this morning because my stomach was upset, the words were too hard to form in my mouth. I read my bible though. I woke up in a quiet mood and quite usually means slightly irritable. I burned my face with my straightener, adding to the bajillion things that were ALREADY wrong with my face. People weren't particularly my favorite, conversing with them usual only forced my mood to fall. A girl in my class told me I was an idiot (according to her I always am) even if it was a joke, I'm tired of hearing how my personality is an inconvenience to her. The girl i sat next to in my 2nd period seemed pretty annoyed with my dumb questions. Again, I was an idiot. I spent 10 minutes of my lunch just trying to heat up my darn noodles. In History I started to get insecure and frustrated. I looked like crap. I had no friends. I am going to totally bomb this dumb map test. Failure. Failure. Failure. I really wanted God to intervene, he was @ the back of my mind. I obeyed him throughout the day, feeling convicted to pick up that piece of paper some lazy person left, pass out invite cards to random people in the hall, smile to those I needed to smile at. Although I was obedient, my heart wasn't happy and my spirit felt suffocated. On the bus ride home I listened to my worship music and closed my eyes, once again feeling like no one loved me. No one cared. Blah, blah, blah. Seriously, Trisha? Cry about it. You always do anyways. I was in a rush to get to my house and in my bed so I could sleep this crappy day off when the song that was playing suddenly blasted at full force. "Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did you leave us on your own. You are faithful, God you are faithful." Instantly my heart felt free and the Holy Spirit was there. It hit me that if he hasn't left me yet, he never will. There have been days definitely harder then this. It's okay to have a low day, but it's not okay to wallow in it. It's okay to not be as bright and happy as usual, but that doesn't mean something is wrong with me. God has got my back, and he's always got a way of reminding me.
"By saying you're not beautiful is like telling God he didn't do a good job."

Generation Unleashed

I walked into this conference thinking that I was completely fine and surrendered, nothing was particularly wrong, I wasn't feeling sad; I was just there for the experience. We got there and started worship and the atmosphere was incredible, 4,000 young people who loved Jesus surrounded me. The first night worship was really good, I cried like, 5 times (but that's no surprise). We went back to our seats and listened to the sermon and then there was an alter call and I went up. As we were praying and worshiping and he was talking to us I was attacked by the enemy; I believe his intention was to make me believe that I was hearing God's voice instead of his, and at first I believed it and what I was being told was something I could never do or ever imagining God asking me to do. When I realized it was the enemy I dropped to my knees, crying, and continually yelled out "I can't do this anymore!" Later that night I was in my room and we were all having discussion and as I was telling them about what had happened it was made clear to me that I was putting my fear of the devil before my relationship with God. My new drive for this conference was to tell the devil what was what and learn how to keep him as far away as I could. The next morning there was a break out session which was mostly just worshiping and praying, at one point we were all praying and my friend next to me was praying for me and I suddenly felt that I DID have authority over the devil, for the first time I KNEW that I was stronger then him, so I started yelling at him. I started to just feel this sense of freedom and peace, and it was unlike anything I had ever experienced before.
During one of our discussions in our room, our room leader asked if we had been baptized in the Holy Spirit. I didn't know so she explained it to me and I realized how much I really wanted it, to speak to God in my own special and sacred language and feel his love like that. I wanted his love to be so strong that I couldn't stand, I NEEDED that. So that was another big thing I was searching for this weekend. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me and had other people pray for me about it, but it just doesn't seem to be happening. I figured that when I was ready he would bless me with that gift, and maybe I wasn't quite ready yet. On the van ride home I was in a grumpy mood, I didn't really want to talk to anyone. We started discussion and I listened, after I spoke I felt a little better. Our pastor, who was driving, had us start praying and it felt really good, the Holy Spirit was just moving in that van. I felt strong enough to step out and be one of the ones who led out in prayer, something I usually don't feel comfortable doing. We started talking again, and somehow the Holy Spirit was brought up and one of the girls was like "We need to pray for Trisha!" I started getting really excited and I just felt God was telling me that now it was my time, the same girl then looked at me and said "God told me that today was your day." I was so excited and I could just feel the Holy Spirit bubbling up inside of me, they explained to me what to do and what might happen. The second the people put there hands on me and started praying I was just crying uncontrollably, his love was so strong I couldn't even speak but I was praising him in my head and then I felt the words on the tip of my tongue, they came out and slowly they started growing into a whole language, I didn't know what I was saying but I loved it and didn't want to stop. Around me people were laughing with joy, I was being hugged and I felt amazing. Eventually I started laughing, I had wanted this so bad and I got it. My life has been so different since then, I feel refreshed and awestruck, my love for God has grown to a boiling point and I can't even contain it any more. I want everyone to know and see what is happening inside of me and that they can have it to, I want to be a life changer, and want God to have control and use me in his will. I will never be the same again.

Oh Shucks

On Monday night and Tuesday morning I experienced my first rebel against God. No, I didn't do anything bad, but inside I felt as if I was falling apart. A part of me wanted nothing more but to turn my back and not care. I wanted to not have to listen anymore, I wanted to not feel "convicted" anymore. I mean, why did I have to abide by the rules no one else seemed to care about? Why did I always have to be the better person? But, when I think about it, would I really ever be satisfied not being the best person I could? Being like everyone else is who I was BEFORE I got saved, and I definitely was not happy like that. If God wasn't here encouraging me, who would? No one. I love who I am, with God. Just feeling as if I was internally rebelling against him was tearing me apart. So I sat on my bus that morning and the song By your side by Tenth Avenue North played. It was as if God was speaking directly to me! He was right next to be, pushing me to be a better person, calming my panic and making me new. <3 I know that those feeling are going to build up again, that my frustration will explode into depression and I'll be feeling conflicted, but those are the times when I'll God see work the most in my life.

No Thanks

Sometimes it feels like there is all this pressure to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I mean you see it everywhere, and yeah it's cute and yeah sometimes you get a little jealous and think "why can't I have a relationship like that?" And then I remember, those relationships most likely aren't God given. So you know what? No. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to "know what you're talking about someday", because when I get a "boyfriend" it won't be anything like your relationships. He's going to come to me when I'm good and ready and mature enough to handle it and so is he. He is going to come to me when I am confident enough in myself to not lose my identity in him or put my everything into him. The only place you should put your everything in is in the arms of Jesus. I don't want to have any "complicated relationship[s]" my friendships are already complicated enough. I'm too busy finding myself right now to want to go and make it even harder. I don't believe you're supposed to date so you can "find out what kind of boys you like" because guess what? God is going to give you someone you don't ever have to worry about. Someone who never lies, never cheats, never makes me feel less than what I am, lifts me up, he'll give me the person I've always wanted. I want to fall in love once, I want to have my first kiss, my first "time" and my first children with ONE GUY, and I want to do it right and I sure know if he does make me cry, I'm not going to be wasting my tears. Once I do find the one I know I'm never going to have to worry about divorce, what God gives lasts forever, my trust is in him and he will provide someone worth waiting for, and someone who has been waiting for me.

Addiction & Giving up

Addiction is a funny thing, isn't it? I don't just mean big things like drugs and alcohol and smoking, but just in general. We are so addicted to so many things and we don't even realize it half the time! I was, literally, addicted to sucking my fingers. Yup, just like sucking your thumb but I used my middle and ring finger instead. I decided to stop this summer when my parents said they would get me braces if I did (not gonna happen) and attempted to do so cold turkey. It was really hard, I was on vacation in California and it was super difficult. I was grumpy and tired and couldn't sleep, sucking my fingers was all I wanted. Even now, five or six months later, I still get the urge to do it! ALL THE TIME. Sucking my fingers made me happy and really comfortable, that's why we get addicted. We get addicted to the feeling. I'm pretty sure we are all addicted to something, even the simplest of things such as: cellphones, computers, video games, a certain type of food, exercise, make up, hair, music, shopping, eating, relationships, etc.
God put this on my heart to write about addiction (still not completely sure why). My mom right now is trying to quit smoking and I know it is really hard on her. People who are in the midst of breaking an addiction are super vulnerable and we need to be people who encourage them. JESUS IS THE KEY to breaking an addiction, remind them of that and DO NOT FORGET TO PRAY. If you are reading this and being called out on some sort of addiction, I encourage you to totally go and break it! The only thing you should ever be addicted to is Jesus. If you need prayer, let me know.
Another thing that God has put on my heart to write about is giving up. Giving up is something that I seem to feel as if I am an expert in, not in actually breaking down and giving up, but just the thought of it. So many times in my life I have wanted to give up, I never did though. If you truly love something and you truly want it, don't you ever give up. If you can't fight for something you love then you don't deserve it.
"Stand in the rain, stand your ground, stand up when it's all crashing down. If you stand through the pain you won't drown and someday what's lost can be found."
This is a verse from the song "Stand in the Rain" by Superchick that has always encouraged me. When I would listen to it I would get tingles and I knew that it was meant for me. It's the truth too, when everything around you is falling apart and life is bending you until you break I want you to turn around and give that big dumb turd Satan and good smack in the face and let him know you are stronger then that. Trust me, it will pay  off. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel and that light is there for you and me. Sometimes coming out of the darkness and running towards the light is when you find yourself. Click here to listen to Stand in the Rain.
There is always a fine line between not giving up and hurting yourself, make sure you're careful not to cross that line.

2011

2011: The most life changing year I have ever been through. This year was like a complete roller coaster; I lost  a lot of things, but gained even more. I learned what love really is, and what it really means. I found people who catch me when I fall. I learned where my priorities should be. I learned who I really am and how true friends should be. I learned a lot of things, I cried a lot of tears, laughed a lot of laughs and cherished many moments. What I got the most out of this year though was a completely beautiful and perfect place, the arms of Jesus. I'm not going to miss 2011, but I'm going to look forward to 2012 and how amazing it is going to be. How many more lessons am I going to learn? How much more will I change? In seven months I went from a lonely girl with severe depression and anxiety who feared everything that was coming around the corner to someone who loves herself, people and her future. I am EXCITED! I know that God is going to bring a lot of new people into my life, and a lot of people are going to walk out. I know it's not going to be easy, it might even be the hardest year of my life, but I am ready. I'm ready to cry my eyes out, to make new memories and to experience God in a way I never had before.